Manic

2003-05-29T21:21:00.000-04:00

So for school you see, we had to write this autobiography, now mine here is unfinished but i like it sort of I guess and i thought posting it would be fun. here we go: (in italics of course)

The Three B's, God, Magic, and the Art of Befriending

It all starts from a time where I was my only friend. If you think about it, friends can only work two ways. They are yours, and you are theirs. It did not work that way for me, and thats where some problems started. The beginning of my loneliness traces back to the age of three. Allie was born. Now most of you do not know Allie. But once you know who she is, you would understand the problem that came about from her birth. Although this is an autobiography concerning me, my relationships with others is what makes me life exactly what it is. Without them, I wouldnt have a story to tell. I digress. Digression is an integral part of this as well. Anyway, the day Allie was born is described by some as, “the day the heavens shook and hell arose once again” Alright so that day was described by me. However, on that day my mother did in fact say, “she has the devil in her eye” and Christ, was she right. I wont even go into detail but my days as the center of attention were over for a long while. And sure, every oldest child has that twinge of jealousy when the second is born, its only natural. But if I knew that the second child was going to be a reincarnation of Lucifer, I would have prepared a little better. So the age of three became a time where unlike most children, I discovered myself.

The fondest memories I have before school are the three B’s. Books, Barbies and Basketball. I picked up reading at a very early age about the same time I discovered the genius creation of the Barbie Doll. Dozens! All different races and clothing and hairstyles and endless amounts of situations I could create with them. Porsches and campers and Malibu and Ken and I could not believe it but I was God! Each Barbie was individual, each time I played the world changed. In an instant I could change someones profession, destroy a marriage, give life or take it away. I was the master of my own creations. Barbies were my window of perception and creation at such a young age. Books at the young age were less an adventure than Barbies, but if anything would provide me with new and exciting scenarios to conjure up for my meddling in the Mattel world the next day. My books were often Mickey Mouse adventure stories, however I had taken to the Childrens History books as well, wondering if all the things were really true in there, and how could history happen like that with no one intervene at times. Where was God during all those wars? In my Barbie world, there were no wars. Now don’t get me wrong. I understood perfectly the difference between the world in my head and the real world. But as a young child, the lines between them run dangerously parallel at times. And my parents let me go on, proud I was reading, proud I was questioning. I never really watched much tv, I would get bored and fall asleep or go into my bedroom. Nothing had ever captivated me enough to hold my attention. That is until one night I discovered the magic of basketball. I am really bad at sports just to let you know. In fact, today, I don’t really move that much at all. Sure I enjoy a game of pickleball, or volleyball and I watch the Stanley Cup every year. At three though, the magic of the ball flying through the air is what did it. I asked similar questions as I did with the history book. How did God make that happen? The ball would just fly into the net. Magic. As you probably know magic and science go hand in hand for children. Well, basketball made me ask other questions as well. If the ball used magic to fly, why did humans throw it? Were humans in control of the magic? Where all humans some sort of divine being? I was God in my Barbie world but this was certainly real life, and these men were masters of their own game. So then I went back to history and war and disease and famine and I asked, Why did this occur if humans are in control of everything? I had found the difference between good and evil.
Reflecting upon it, my early childhood years were incredibly introspective, and the small wisdom acquired there lead into my grade school years which were, to be honest in one word, boring. The classes were easy, starting off with lessons in mannerism and protocol. Things like sharing and manners and proper grammar, and playing ‘nice’ all things were more than easy to me. I knew I was in control of everything I did. What I reeped, is what I sowed. As a youngster, I began to take interest less in history and the known and more in space and the unknown. I was still searching for that missing aspect between mans own actions and the will of God. While I wrapped myself up in books and questions, my parents and teachers had an entirely different path headed for me. My teachers were concerned with my exceedingly rapid learning skills and insisted on skipping me a grade or even two, or if not that enrolling me in Gifted and Talented School, which my parents objected to, realizing my social interactions were already hindered by my isolation. Instead, my mother enrolled me in Girl Scouts. If you can imagine my path already, it came very easy to me, and did improve my social interaction. In fact, I was on my way to becoming a real people person. But that was crushed by us moving away.
Although we are masters of our own universe, when we are children, our parents are the masters. And my world was crumbled over and over again and not by my own hand. I moved about 10 times in the course of 7 years. One residence for each school year, sometimes two. At one time I played God in my Barbie universe, and in grade school, I found myself on the opposite spectrum. I was the ever-changing Barbie, forced into a new identity constantly. Each school I went to, I was forced into a new way of thinking, acting, learning and existing. Making friends is never easy, children are cruel to one another, and the easiest person to be cruel to, is the one you know the least. The “new” kid. And how I persisted and tried! I began to sacrifice my reading and educating in order to fit in, to be accepted, to be loved. But yet as much as I tried, I was always alone. And so I continued to love and try, but as I said before, friends can only work two ways.
Middle school was awful. Enough said. During grade school, children were learning and developing while I was trying to attain a social nirvana. In 7th grade, the kids had caught up to me, and I was no longer quicker, sharper or smarter. In fact, I was bored again. We had finally settled in West Windsor-Plainsboro and I was still in a chameleon state of mind and there was no change for me. This once again left me alone. But what I hadnt realized was that all these skills I learned from constantly moving could, in fact, be beneficial to my cause. I had once been on my way to being a people person, and with proper training, I could once again be master of my own universe. It was difficult straying off my lost path and regaining a sense of identity and control once again. We find at times that it is much easier not to have a path and to let our bodies and minds out of control but then we remember that it makes for no sort of human at all. I rediscovered the magic of the book in middle school, only to find that was another sort of magic out there. Philosophy. The questions I had been asking all my childhood were legitimate questions that in fact, had multiple answers, or no answers at all. There were others out there who had been asking all these years just like me. Socrates, Aristotle, Nietzsche, no longer was there an unsettling in my brain anymore about attaining social nirvana. My place was with them. Yet I couldnt get out of my mind the angels that delivered the works of Socrates and Nietzsche to me. The messengers, the interpreters, the authors. Ah, the art of writing. The magic of the book turned out truly to be the magic of writing. And here as a writer, I found myself not playing God or the ever-changing Barbie. As a writer, I was somewhere in the limbo of things, an outsider, uninhibited by the perils of Earth or heaven. Writers had a free pass to go to any of these places. True freedom lies in this art. And I couldn’t resist the temptation no matter how alone I knew I would be.
In a flash, middle school had flown by and the hurt and pain encountered by that were reflected in my writing. What great magic lies in such a versatile, free and beautiful art. With just words I found it possible to change society, to send a country into turmoil, to influence people to believe in something, anything! It is possible to relay feeling of love and hate and pride and false pride, all through words! As a child, like most children I believe magic and science to run parallel to one another. But at the age of 14, I was convinced that magic had a separate place in the universe far, far from the mysteries of science. And thorough philosophy and reading and learning, I found to what is believed to be God. And suddenly, it occurred to me that God is relayed mostly through writings as well, and most of the people who followed religion or believed in God did so because of either reading a book or listening to another person. Once again I saw the divine influence human beings had over themselves and others.
As high school progressed, I began to see others searching for answers as I did. People began to speak out, to challenge, to agree and to disagree. Never in my years of school had I seen so many brave people listen and speak to one another. It reminded me at times of the forum in Rome. The trial of Socrates. Looking upon it now, I even see it still happening. An idea is shared, modified, worked upon, shared once again, absorbed, thought about, and modified again. I saw how religion and ideas were capable of being in this world. And how young people unconsciously began to create a small high school world for themselves. It was a more naïve and close-knit mini of the real world. There was a hierarchy, status, there were the thinkers and the listeners and the entertainers and the degenerates. And I stood in this not-so-vast replica of the not-so-real world and I pondered my place in it. The writer, the thinker, not-so-much the scholar but one who can speak to the people and they will listen. I cannot still even place myself as of now considering I still remain entangled in such a web.

2003-05-29T21:13:00.000-04:00

one more from your favorite manic!!!

It’s been so long since ive actually sat down and threw words upon a piece of paper. It’s been even longer since I had something to say on it. But today, right now at this moment, at this moment of 1:30 inspiration, my qualms and feelings must be exposed, for they are of great abundance and many do not smell of the usual positive aroma. At 18, at this milestone in my life I have not yet accomplished or the reached the mental, emotional or spiritual state in which I have expected myself to achieve. As a young girl I would dream of the independent and pioneering days of 18. The days where I would sweep men off their feet leaving a string of hearts behind me, the days where I would finish school with ease at the top of my class, the days where I wouldn’t rely on my parents for basic needs of survival, the days where I could look up in the stars and know the answers to every question of life. But no, those days have not arrived. Instead, I sit day in and day out pining for those rites of passage I dreamed of as a questioning little girl. I often wonder if any of my peers are experiencing what I wish to. In many respects I see that they are, finding their place in the world, forming lasting relationships, feeling good and alive and adult. And I do not. I used to feel I was looking on the outside in because I was matured and beyond my age, but now, I feel as if im on the inside looking out, as if I was suddenly warped into some reverse tornado. Im so tired, its time to sleep.

2003-05-29T21:05:00.000-04:00

another bunch of enjoyable prose by yours truly....(names have been changed to protect the convicted)

Are there mornings that you have awoken in your bed to find yourself more connected then usual? To find that as the sunlight scatters through your white blinds, you dont feel like disconnected flesh living in a synthetic world of plaster, wood, and metal? You feel part of something, part of the chill you get when your bare feet touch the rug for the first time that day. You dont feel as if you are fending for yourself, that perhaps as part of this greater mass of everything, you are being held responsible for just as much as you are responsible for everything else. That what you put in to it all, you receive back, and the cycle cannot break if you do not break it. And even though your body may feel sore and stiff, there is still a softness to it that no weathering or physical demand can harden. And the softness comes from all the hardship of life, with severe blows to every part of you, from your head to your heart and to your soul. And with the constant beatings received, to wake just one morning of dozens to feel as if you meld with everything known and unknown to man, cracks and melts even the hardest of shells. Often when we were younger, and didnt have half the perils on our minds as we do currently, we would sit and ponder existence in the simplest form we knew how. We would say to ourselves, one day I am going to die, my life will end, but I am living it right now. This isnt a tv show, or a movie, this is my life. And every second I am getting closer to death. And for one split second, the vast world narrows into a shockwave of a feeling and a chill, much like the one you first get on a winters morning comes over you. But then you forget, and continue on with your life. And as we get older, these quick, momentary feelings of sentience get less and less. When we were younger, every morning we felt connected and part of everything, and now as we grow, we must work for those mornings. But the feeling is far sweeter and thicker than those we felt as small children.

I have the kiss of death. Or maybe its much simpler and less mysterious if I call it uncanny coincidences. Or perhaps it is just the universe taking courses of actions in its responsibility of my well being and protection. I will tell you several occasions, in which you may say there is no way it is the workings of something more, and if that’s the case, you probably shouldnt be reading anything I have scribed due to the fact that I believe everything is the workings of something more. Now beware, there is no chronology to this, its what first comes to mind, so I guess its fair to say the most impactful are the ones I recall first. Taylor. Taylor was a result of my hormones working at a quick, brisk and forceful pace. We slept together, twice in the same night I might add. And the next night he got severely drunk and was in a car crash. He was all right, but his car and possessions were taken, and he had no money or mode of getting back to his home in New England. I might add to this the fact that he acted (after the sex of course) in a manner that was uncalled for and radically different from before we engaged in the acts of intimacy. Some woman like to refer to this as “being a complete asshole” and no other more appropriate phrases come to mind at this time so I will use this. Taylor was a complete asshole to me after sex and ignored and eventually left me. Suffice to say the next night, hours after his incident, he was whimpering to me about his tragedy and indirectly asking for my help. I pretended to act concerned but just politely walked away when he was done speaking. I was being a complete asshole.
Darren. Now this Darren incident happened 3 months after the Taylor incident. It was a teenage party. Alcohol was involved. Now in my years as a high schooler I was never invited to parties where the normal hedonistic teenage things happened very often. I drank enough in my days to know what to do, but didn’t drink enough to know my radical social behavioral change. However, males picked up on it right away. Specifically one (feminist use of the word: Dog.) dog named Darren, who I had heard very little about was the lucky contestant to try me in my state of inebriation. The night had already proved promiscuous (more later) for me, and I partially was pushed and partially pushed myself into a situation that involved pants and panties off, and a skinny, tall man on top of me. He had control and I had none. Under a lesser state of drunkenness, or sobriety, I would have firmly rejected him, but I could only moan under his grip of me. Lucky for me however, it was a party of people who knew me, mischievous ones too, who liked to embarrass and play tricks on people. They continuously slammed the door open, god knows how many times until I was alerted to the actions being engaged in. I quickly shot up, found clothing and left the room in a hurry. I went home not 15 minutes later. A few days later, my sister who could have been named town crier told me something we found interesting. Apparently that night, Darren hadnt left too much after I did, still drunk himself and got into a car accident that not only totaled his car, but his face as well. He even needed surgery or something to repair the damage done! If I had slept with him, he might not have gotten into that crash, or maybe if we hadnt even touched, he wouldnt have gotten into that crash. No one may ever know.

2003-05-29T21:02:00.000-04:00

So I forgot I even had a blog. Its been lets see...1,2,3,4,5,6,7 months since i wrote in this online journal. Much has happened since then. I wrote a little journal entry back in January explaining much of my feelings. Zounds, I just read the stuff I wrote and the friendships and priorities and innocence and importance I see in these journal entries reflect only a small portion of whats drilling through my life currently. Alright well first things first. The January Journal Entry. Here it goes:

January 26th 2003.
Perhaps the most enlightening days of our lives are the ones which are most filled with pain and with suffering and the happiest days of our livesare so trivial in the scheme of things. Perhaps its the pessimist inside this crazy mind that speaks with such morbid tones. I cannot differentiate any longer. In any sense, I face a time of desperation for a significant other. How unusual. Ha, I say. It's the same story that has been scribed in previous entries but unlike other times there is no vice to squeeze and draw to. There is no questioning man lurking in the shadows. And its this bitter reality that pushes this time of desperation. 18. Without responsibility, without burdenous cares. And where, truly, do i stand? Among friends? Among others in love? Among the most apprehensive yet exciting atmosphere of a seeminly never-ending era in our lives? Among a new blonde grown girl resembling myself but a clear misrepresentation of who I used to be? I like this new girl, this almost woman. I just do not fully know her well enough to embrace her as myself. And perhaps its this difficulty that prevents others from doing the same. Its an 'almost' time in an 'almost' place that I can 'almost' grasp. Things will become clearer once again, the murky waters will no longer be such, and I will 'almost' forget this time ever existed'

and to be honest, that time did in fact pass. Comparing the beginning of senior year to now, zounds, its really different. The guy walked back into my life in February and I dont know if thats what really did it, but it was certainly a big portion. After a year of that awkward turmoil and me being hurt, I regained strength and there he goes, walks back in, grabs me by the hand and once again im on his rollercoaster. Only this time he promises not to leave me. (he said that last time too) but im an optimist...i think...or really lonely and I agreed and now we are happy for the most part, save for this week where Im miffed I havent recieved any phone calls or emails in about 4 days. I did call him once briefly but it seemed more of a business call then anything... ack...however, college applications and acceptances are done and i dont work at journeys any longer, june 30th i start an office job for 11 bucks an hour. In fact, in my previous journal entries I even mention homework or tests and zounds, thats not even a thought in my head any longer. Ive got a bad case of senioritis. Also, in that period of time, I became a vegan and ended my veganism. I did that yesterday actually...a whole bunch of reasons. Ill write more in another entries.

"unite and win"- sham 69

2002-11-10T20:27:00.000-05:00

"Maybe its me but I'm sick of wasting energy" -incubus
damn, im tired. Today was my first day of work at journeys. Like, its not bad, but they are mad anal and expect alot out of you for 6 bucks. They are mad laid back though, its weird. Its like, do all the shit exactly correct and then you can fuck around. Its semi-chill. I dont know, i just feel like Im wasting energy doing this. It sucks to live in a capitalist society. We waste so much time doing unessesary things like working. Ah well. I work again tuesday and hopefully they will be off my ass a bit. I cant slack on this job, which could be a good thing. i also get to climb, which means i have the possibility of falling. we'll see. i have no idea if i have any tests tomorrow. psh, whatever. catch ya later

love, me, steph

2002-11-09T20:03:00.000-05:00

Today was boring for a saturday. I bought a mirror. Too bad we couldnt look further than that (visually) into ourselves.

2002-11-09T01:22:00.000-05:00

Hey so yeah technically i didnt respond back in the SAME day, but well close enough.
Im incredibly exhausted. So i did go see Shai Hulud and remembering never. (ian talked me into it) and i didnt see shai hulud, i snuck in the place next door and saw......brace yourself.....GWAR, it was sooo awesome. And also..... wait for it........ i got a job! Now i work at journeys in the mall. So I would definitely have to say that today, was a very good day. Gee, i wish i could write better. ps- there is this nice guy im going to work with named brian. he is nice. :)

love, me, steph

2002-11-08T14:58:00.000-05:00

"Dont wanna be wrong, youre leaving me, youre leaving me in lieu of this song."-yellowcard

So hi.
I went job searching and I'm hoping to work at that shoe store in the mall called Journeys. It seems cool enough, I go for an interview today at 4:30 and then to a pop punk show. So originally I was supposed to go see shai hulud and remembering never (really wanna see them) with some other bands but like its too expensive (it will turn out to be like 15 bucks, screw that) and like i dont know my sister and her friend is going..and..yeah..im not into that. Like if she comes home rockin a remembering never shirt, i will kick some self-esteem ass. Anyway, yeah so it should be fun going to a 5 dollar pop-punk show. So yeah, i will probably have another entry by the end of the day, take it easy.

love, me, steph

2002-11-07T22:02:00.000-05:00

Good evening ladies and gents,
today was alot of fun. i woke up this morning at 9 (not the fun part) only to find my feet cold (also not fun) and the sun was brightly shining through my window. That made me smile. I got to Lauren Litus's house about 10:15 and her dad was a nervous wreck, and he was all uptight and it was pretty cool cause he reminded me of a little hopping elf who got excited because someone stole his ginger snaps or something. Lauren is totally the coolest girl. So we got a train into philly (lauren paid for me because im poor and i love her) and took a cab to the Restaurant School where we met up with Jamie, her boyfriend (another totally cool kid) and played some pool. We took a walk around the campus a bit, and Lauren played with some stray cats while Jamie and I ducked from pooping pigeons as if it were shrapnel. We met some of his cronies, this super gigasmo black dude named Jodi (apt dont you think?) who was 28 and ultimately nasty at pool. Some other kids too, dont remember them too well. There was a gay guy named John... and then we met up with Jamie's super cool bud named John (not a gay john) and we went to South Street. Thats always fun.

Condom Kingdom is the shizzy. Two words, PENIS PASTA.
Then we went for Sushi (didnt eat any, im a veggie you know) and then went home. All in all, it was a pleasing trip to the city and i think that i would, in fact, like to go to college there. Tomorrow I am going job-hunting, probably at the mall. (yeah ok capitalism has taken hold of me, what can i say)

Last night i helped write a song, and that was cool.

I must now go away, im much tired of writing.

love, me, steph

2002-11-06T17:57:00.000-05:00

so i've dipped my head in and decided to take a swim in the mainstream blog thing. The reasons are pretty much A.) writing is fun B.) i like reading tom's and C.) what?! where am i?!
Today was like any other day really. I woke up rather late, (7:15 or so) and I put on a suit. White collar, tie, black pants and shoes. Why? Why not? It's a Wednesday, there are no reasons. Futhermore, "its Senior Year" (a now coin-phrased term amongst kids) and anything can happen. So ok, like i took this really good photo a few month's back, and I actually look pretty alright in it. So I started studying it, and judging it (as most do for themselves) and I really grew fond of it. So in my new room, there is some blank wall space above the window. If anything, it looks like the perfect and very popular space for a crucifix, star of david, or another type of religious icon. But I figured, hey, blank wall space and put the picture up there. So my sister walks in and is stupified at it. She was like, "what are you doing?" and i thought about it, and dismissed it. I woke up the next morning and i started looking and laughing about it. And at dinner tonight, i mentioned it to my mother, who was stunned as well. It was a very Satanist action apparently (worship of yourself) but I was completely misconstrued in all this. So ive decided to leave it there anyway. I like it there.

hmm..otherwise not much has really been happening. I'm listening to some Starting Line (or The Starting Line, whichever). not a bad band. My report card doesn't look too great, but ack- doesnt bother me too much. Tonight Im going to chill with tom and probably haha fazio and geoff and max, maybe meet up later with jaimi litus, jeff, and pat. Whose to say?

gee, my life is boring.

really boring.

4 day weekend! yay!

really really boring.

i got to go.

later.

love, me, steph